But no. I spent a majority of my life (over two decades) with, got married to, and had a child with someone. The relationship was awful, felt like a slow torturous death until it finally ended in disaster. And I'm still suffering the aftershocks whether I want to or not. I am severely damaged despite the fact that I moved on, have a loving husband and live in a safe home where I can be a good wife and mother.
I read a very good article. One of many that really hit home with me that I'd like to discuss. It deals with the aftermath and WHY simply getting over something like this is so difficult.
The Real Reason You Can't Get Over Your Emotionally Abusive Ex
Emotionally abused women, though their abuse isn't visible through physical scars, can experience post-breakup symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
A study titled "Psychological Abuse: Implications for Adjustment and Commitment to Leave Violent Partners" found that the more PTSD symptoms a psychologically abused woman exhibits, the less resolve she'll have to leave, or in this case, get over her partner."
It's been gradually getting better but my anxiety still goes through the roof at times. In fact, even now I am feeling it. That hollow, nauseous feeling you feel deep in your throat that goes down into your stomach. Your hands are shaky. Your head feels cloudy and vision blurs. You feel so paranoid about everything and start thinking about the past over and over. You feel so angry and unjustified and worst of all... alone. It's like a song that gets stuck in your head but you can't get rid of it no matter what you do. Sometimes I've curled up into a tiny ball wherever I am and have repeated to myself, "God, please help me... I can't do this!" I wish I were exaggerating but I'm not. Hopefully I've described that so vividly for you that you can tell I'm not pulling your chain or you can perhaps relate. It feels like absolute shit, as if your abuser still had this power over you and you hate it. You keep it to yourself because you don't want to let it ruin your life or the others' around you.
To this very day, with much therapy, love, and support I am still trying to heal and rewire the horrific programming that was done to me. At one point everything he told me I believed.
"You're a bad mother."
"She's a better mother to him (my son) than you are. He likes her better."
"Your boobs would look better on sideways."
"I was hoping you'd have come back as a better housekeeper."
You beat me up mentally and spiritually every day because of your insecurities. You wanted to keep me down so low that I couldn't block people's wonderful view of you. And you did this for such a long time.
I still have a hard time believing my current husband when he tells me I am beautiful. I get so paranoid that I'm not being the best mother I can be. And so forth... I had to completely rewire myself to NOT feel abso-fucking-lutely worthless and NOT believe what I was told every day for the past few decades. Thankfully I now know that I am not worthless and I deserve to be treated with respect and be loved.
People may think that once a victim leaves the relationship the hurt will end, but by that point, the damage may be done. If anything, the pain will get worse.
It has been a horrible ride. I've had very little support through all this from a majority of people. I'm only thankful for the few people who were truly there. Permanent damage HAS been done and I'm hoping it goes away IF it ever does.
Despite more than half of women experiencing an emotionally abusive relationship in their lifetime, the inner turmoil a victim faces months, years, or even decades after the fact isn't widely talked about. But Sussman says the mental repercussions run deep, perhaps even deeper than physical ones.
I didn't really get to talk about it to anyone. Usually people, including my own parents shut me down, changed the topic, or told me just to let go and move on.
Unlike healthy relationship splits — where two parties may feel hurt but ultimately move on — emotionally abusive relationships can take a larger psychological toll. Sussman says this is because the abuser literally manipulates the abused person in the relationship to stick around until they're "through" with them.
"I could have given you away to anyone, but I was waiting for the right person." Is what he said to me. Just like a damn villain in a movie.
"The best thing you can do is talk about it so much that it takes the strength out of it," she says. "If you talk through [it] over and over and over again, you realize you're in control. It takes the power away from that person. He can't hurt you anymore."
This couldn't be more true and this is exactly what I need. I need a productive way to vent my rage that I have been keeping up bottled for so long in hopes that there is someone who wants to listen to me. I don't want to be a victim anymore and I'm tired of feeling so damn unjustified. As patient and supportive as my husband as been I don't want him to be the only one that helps me carry my burden. So, thank you for listening.
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