36 Things People With Anxiety Want Their Friends to Know

Soul Snatcher

The Hardest Part Isn't Breaking Up — It's What Happens After

Sometimes I wish I were an uncomplicated teenage girl who really needs to just get over the stupid guy she dated for a week or two and then broke up with.  I was that girl at one time or another.  Life was so easy back then.

But no.  I spent a majority of my life (over two decades) with, got married to, and had a child with someone.  The relationship was awful, felt like a slow torturous death until it finally ended in disaster.  And I'm still suffering the aftershocks whether I want to or not.  I am severely damaged despite the fact that I moved on, have a loving husband and live in a safe home where I can be a good wife and mother.

I read a very good article.  One of many that really hit home with me that I'd like to discuss.  It deals with the aftermath and WHY simply getting over something like this is so difficult.

The Real Reason You Can't Get Over Your Emotionally Abusive Ex

Emotionally abused women, though their abuse isn't visible through physical scars, can experience post-breakup symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

A study titled "Psychological Abuse: Implications for Adjustment and Commitment to Leave Violent Partners" found that the more PTSD symptoms a psychologically abused woman exhibits, the less resolve she'll have to leave, or in this case, get over her partner."

It's been gradually getting better but my anxiety still goes through the roof at times.  In fact, even now I am feeling it.  That hollow, nauseous feeling you feel deep in your throat that goes down into your stomach.  Your hands are shaky.  Your head feels cloudy and vision blurs.  You feel so paranoid about everything and start thinking about the past over and over.  You feel so angry and unjustified and worst of all... alone.  It's like a song that gets stuck in your head but you can't get rid of it no matter what you do.  Sometimes I've curled up into a tiny ball wherever I am and have repeated to myself, "God, please help me... I can't do this!"  I wish I were exaggerating but I'm not.  Hopefully I've described that so vividly for you that you can tell I'm not pulling your chain or you can perhaps relate.  It feels like absolute shit, as if your abuser still had this power over you and you hate it.  You keep it to yourself because you don't want to let it ruin your life or the others' around you.

To this very day, with much therapy, love, and support I am still trying to heal and rewire the horrific programming that was done to me.  At one point everything he told me I believed.

"You're a bad mother."  

"She's a better mother to him (my son) than you are.  He likes her better."

"Your boobs would look better on sideways."

"I was hoping you'd have come back as a better housekeeper."

You beat me up mentally and spiritually every day because of your insecurities.  You wanted to keep me down so low that I couldn't block people's wonderful view of you.  And you did this for such a long time.

I still have a hard time believing my current husband when he tells me I am beautiful.  I get so paranoid that I'm not being the best mother I can be.  And so forth...  I had to completely rewire myself to NOT feel abso-fucking-lutely worthless and NOT believe what I was told every day for the past few decades.  Thankfully I now know that I am not worthless and I deserve to be treated with respect and be loved.

People may think that once a victim leaves the relationship the hurt will end, but by that point, the damage may be done. If anything, the pain will get worse.

It has been a horrible ride.  I've had very little support through all this from a majority of people.  I'm only thankful for the few people who were truly there.  Permanent damage HAS been done and I'm hoping it goes away IF it ever does.

Despite more than half of women experiencing an emotionally abusive relationship in their lifetime, the inner turmoil a victim faces months, years, or even decades after the fact isn't widely talked about. But Sussman says the mental repercussions run deep, perhaps even deeper than physical ones.

I didn't really get to talk about it to anyone.  Usually people, including my own parents shut me down, changed the topic, or told me just to let go and move on.

Unlike healthy relationship splits — where two parties may feel hurt but ultimately move on — emotionally abusive relationships can take a larger psychological toll. Sussman says this is because the abuser literally manipulates the abused person in the relationship to stick around until they're "through" with them.

"I could have given you away to anyone, but I was waiting for the right person."  Is what he said to me.  Just like a damn villain in a movie.

"The best thing you can do is talk about it so much that it takes the strength out of it," she says. "If you talk through [it] over and over and over again, you realize you're in control. It takes the power away from that person. He can't hurt you anymore."

This couldn't be more true and this is exactly what I need.  I need a productive way to vent my rage that I have been keeping up bottled for so long in hopes that there is someone who wants to listen to me.  I don't want to be a victim anymore and I'm tired of feeling so damn unjustified.  As patient and supportive as my husband as been I don't want him to be the only one that helps me carry my burden.  So, thank you for listening.

I'm Not NovaBlade

Up until recently my artwork was up on Novablade Studios website.  In fact you'll see that a piece of my art is still on the lovely splash page.  I didn't really leave it there by choice.  I just don't have the ability to remove it as I did all the other work of mine.

Things did not go very civil between my ex and I and he has literally done everything he can to vindictively tear me down including take away my art from me.  I was stupid.  I just wanted away from him.  I had no money, no lawyer, no support from anyone and he legally walked all over me with his attorney.  I had no idea what I was really giving up at the time.  If I knew now what I knew then I would have stood up for myself more.

In the divorce contract NovaBlade was his.  To make a long story short... what I THOUGHT it said was that all my art was mine and his was his and any joint projects we would need each other's permission to do anything with.  That's what I thought, at least.

We had a webcomic that featured two characters--one he created and I specifically created far BEFORE the webcomic was ever put into thought.  I decided I wanted to do a solo project with her and I called my ex to let him know what I wanted to do, trying to show some courtesy.  But I was only greeted with cold hostility telling me I wasn't allowed to use the character or any LIKENESS of the character without permission and we would have to discuss this further.  Of course, being the passionate artist I was about my work I blew my top.  He continued to gaslight me as if I was unreasonable and cut off communication despite the fact that we both have a child together.

I simply gave up on having to kiss his ass to use any of my work and simply let 20+ years of my hard work, artistic creativity, blood, sweat, tears, and dreams go.  This is all about control.  It always has been.  I refuse to give him any power over me.  Not like this.  I deserve better for all the energy I put into NovaBlade.  I deserve better as an artist.  But I swallowed the jar of broken glass, cried a lot, and let go.  I feel like I lost children.  Oh, wait... I did.  Almost.  Thankfully I still maintain contact with my son and he can never take that away from me.

I can do better.  I know I can.  But for years this has creatively damaged me and I still have trouble getting back my creativity.  It has crippled me.  Every time I sit in front of a paper with pencil I draw a blank, my anxiety and depression creep up, I want to cry.

For the past 3-4 years my artwork was up on the NovaBlade site.  About 90% of the work on there was mine.  It upset me seeing it up there as if it was a carrot dangling on a stick to mock me.  "Haha!  Here's your work.  But now it's MY work.  I'm taking credit for it too!  You can't do anything about it."  I texted my ex several weeks ago to remove all of my art off the site but he didn't even have the decency to send a dickish response.  So, without giving a shit I figured out my old password to the site and removed what I could.  I switched it off the lovely template I put time and care into designing and changed it to the default.  I didn't deface it.  I kept his small amount of solo work up on the site.

It looks so empty and unloved.  That still breaks my heart... but I am done with NovaBlade.  Do not go there to support me.  Do not buy any of my artwork from him.

The Crazy Ones

Recently, a counselor I have been going to made a very good point.  I told my counselor that it was good to know I wasn't going crazy for thinking some things about what I was going through.  He said that the people who end up in here are usually the victims and not the crazy or abusive people.  The crazy/abusive people don't think they need the help so they don't end up there.

50 Shades of Abuse

Ask anyone and they can tell you just HOW much I hate this movie with a passion.  It touches a very deep nerve with all of the emotional and mental manipulation I had to deal with.  The main character, Christian Grey shares a hideous similarity with my ex as well as sharing the same characteristics of a cult leader which they go over in this video.  Indoctrination and thought conditioning.  As much of a joke as they make of it, it's all so very real, sadly enough.

Inspirational Words

I can't say I am really fond of her anymore.  But this is probably one of the best things I have heard her say:

"What you choose to do with your voice in this world is extremely powerful.  I have seen throughout history how dangerous it can be to use your voice for evil.  Now we all have a platform.  But what really scares me is these massive corporations that just have no standards for values at all: "It's not MY problem!  It's YOUR problem.  But I'll take your money and we'll go public."   

Is that what we're gonna do?  Is that what we stand for as a generation?   

"Oh, it's fine because I still get to post my pictures!"  Who cares.  Nobody is going to remember what you tweeted.  But you will never forget all that hateful shit that you read every single day that made you sick at school, that made it hard for you to read, that made it hard for you to understand, hard for you to focus, get a boyfriend, make a friend, be able to have sex.  I can't even tell you the amount of things and anxiety and depression made hard for me growing up.  All the problems.  All the things I didn't even know were actually wrong with me until I realized I was missing out on so much.  We have to take a stand against ALL of this."

-Lady Gaga